Zanu PF insiders had earlier told the Daily News that the tension that had surrounded the internal poll boiled over after the party disqualified aspiring candidate, Israel Lunga, for being ineligible to contest after he turned 35 years-old this year.
Opinion & Analysis

Satirical journalism isn’t only for laughs

A VERY Good VAR Friday to you all loyal and valued readers of the Daily News, including Bishop wemaZizi (PhD Zinatha) and Hornywell (Mr Me, Myself and I Fake Award Winning Non-Journalist a.k.a. The Cunning Double Agent).

The Video Assistant Referee must admit that he found the slow passage of time from last week to today rather excruciating, as there is so much to comment on to wait a whole week to do so. The only solace was that VAR wasn’t short of some entertainment during this time.

What with the flood of riveting feedback from this inimitable paper’s multitudes of followers in response to the inaugural column last Friday, which caused a stir. All of which proved, not for the first time, that the Daily News has unparalleled reach and talkability among local media — the immense capacity to be talked about, by being interesting.

It is, without question, the capo di tutti capi of Zim newspapers. Smart Alecks In the meantime, close associates of Bishop wemaZizi (PhD Zinatha) and Hornywell (Mr Me, Myself and I Fake Award Winning Non-Journalist a.k.a. The Cunning Double Agent) have confirmed that the thin-skinned smarty pants — being the obsessive followers of the Daily News that they are — were among the first to read that inaugural column and to spread it around enthusiastically.

VAR can’t thank them and their Cult enough for this selfless devotion to the cause of the Daily News. Indeed, the jolly good Editor of the paper has previously said openly that the publication’s readership and commercial fortunes have soared to dizzy heights ever since they started to dutifully commit themselves to promoting it every day.

Well done boys. Sadly, the two men apparently suffered from a serious bout of Montezuma’s revenge and palpitations upon realising that they had finally received the attention that they so desperately craved from the Daily News (VAR is yet to establish which one suffered what). Amusingly, Hornywell (Mr Me, Myself and I Fake Award Winning Non-Journalist a.k.a.

The Cunning Double Agent) was convinced that VAR is in fact one braying donkey called Jamwanda. Hee hee hee. I bet the burro is chuff ed by this. Among the interesting correspondence which the Daily News received from readers included enquiries about where the name Hornywell derives from, especially seeing that VAR had explained the genesis of the sobriquet Bishop wemaZizi (PhD Zinatha) in the first column.

Ah, esteemed readers, the Video Assistant Referee can’t go into such details — yet. But the victims will tell their story one day, hopefully (pun fully intended) soon! Phoney Democrats Enough about inane matters for today.

Trawling through the echo chamber that is Zim social media, it becomes very clear to see that the idea of democracy is poorly understood by many compatriots, especially those who would like to be seen as learned and enlightened. It is little wonder, therefore, that this latter lot is always off – side, while also somehow managing to speak out of both sides of their foul mouths when they pontifi cate about democracy.

In this light, the likes of Bishop wemaZizi (PhD Zinatha) and Hornywell (Mr Me, Myself and I Fake Award Winning Non-Journalist a.k.a. The Cunning Double Agent) don’t realise their utter stupidity when they insult those who don’t support their political favourites as insane or lesser beings. This crass syndrome was evident in the wake of the outcome of the recent by-elections when some Zizi Cult members turned on the good people of Matabeleland for having allegedly gifted Zanu PF victory in some areas in the region, as if other folk in the rest of the country did not vote for the ruling party in those special polls.

Just to educate these dullards a bit, Zanu PF does have real supporters even if they may not like to hear this, and in fact more people outside of Matabeleland have voted for the ruling party in every election since 1980 than those in this region do — which exposes the tribal and primitive minds of these intellectually challenged fake democrats. Poor Zec Another pet VAR peeve is how these pseudo democrats always beat their chests whenever their candidates win polls, but quickly and unthinkingly blame the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission, Zanu PF or Matabeleland when their favourites lose.

If ZEC and Zanu PF are this omnipotent in the eyes of this useless lot, why even bother then to participate in elections? In the same vein, VAR also wonders why the all-powerful Zanu PF and ZEC didn’t “rig” the recent by-elections in favour of their “puppets” if their unstoppable mission was to block other players from winning the seats that were on offer?

Food for thought.

Until next Friday, Azishe!

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