VAR wants the opposition to do well in next year’s crunch elections in the interest of our teapot country, but the political opportunism and confusion of the Cult grates his soul.
Nowhere is this enduring political disorientation better exemplified than in the Secret Sect’s maddening daily vacillation between wanting elections and not wanting them — which is a textbook case of how to lose plebiscites badly.
Just this week, Copperhead suggested, not for the first time, that his closed corporation would boycott next year’s elections if its “concerns” over the voters’ roll were not addressed. At the same time, the Viper and the Yellow Submarine want six million votes in 2023, with all their sitting parliamentarians and councillors required to register 5 000 new voters each ahead of the polls.
If Confusion Was a Person
The senselessness of JeanBédel Bokassa’s strategy in all this, if it can be called that, is truly breathtaking — to mangle His Majesty King Charlie’s language a bit. How, indeed, can a sane person talk about boycotting “rigged elections”, while still expecting millions of young people to be motivated to register to vote and to participate in the same polls which are already stolen? And does Copperhead really think that the Red Devils are quacking in their boots because of this empty threat? Zvakaoma.
Amaqili Kathengani
For those readers not au fait with VAR’s mother tongue, the above cross-heading loosely means that sly characters can never relate to each other. And so it was, that Copperhead’s dissonant marriage of convenience with the Red Devils’ vanquished G50s and G60s — which all sane Zimbabweans had said could never work — crashed with a sickening thud last week, leaving the Viper with much egg on his face.
Yes, Jonso might have a well earned reputation for being as slippery as an eel in his political dealings, but he had a point when he told News24 this week that the Viper wanted the impotent Gs to be in “a permanent state of war” against all his opponents, and to hold them “hostage as his attack dog(s) against Zanu PF”. This is archetypal Copperhead.
Reggae Is About To Stop
If the Video Assistant Referee was in the powerful position of the jolly good Editor of the Daily News, he would be calling the Viper to say to him “I told you so”.
Yes, VAR can confirm again that there was indeed a time when the Chief Executive of News of this iconic title would regularly speak to Copperhead and try to be as helpful as possible, as is in the nature of his job, and as he always does with other stakeholders. And then the Viper’s notorious big-headedness took hold.
At that point, everyone who could assist him and offer him comradely advice as the Red Devils circled his shrivelling Chete Chete Alliance was treated with brutal contempt, including erstwhile political allies and long-standing friends. In these good people’s places came unprincipled social media influencers, double-dealing twisters and two-bit academics with patently dubious agendas.
That, dear readers, is how the professional relationship between Copperhead and the jolly good Editor of the Daily News — whose arm was broken by Mugabe’s goons two decades ago as he fought for democracy in the beloved fatherland — ended. Subsequent attempts to gently nudge the Viper in the right direction via tame editorials were taken as an attack on him, with Jean-Bédel Bokassa reacting viciously to all this, despite the fact that this was largely in his interest. In fact, Copperhead went on to unleash his army of cyber thugs, who included some hacks for-hire, on the newspaper and its sister news offerings. All to no avail, of course.
Remarkably, the unmerited malice and all the false whispers about the paper had the complete opposite effect of what the Viper intended, with the title enjoying some of its best days ever commercially during this onslaught — amply demonstrating that Sosho does not represent the real world, and that Zimbabweans are much smarter than they usually get credit for!
Fortunately for Copperhead, the jolly good Editor of the Daily News is too much of a gentleman to gloat and to kick him as his Secret Sect melts as a result of his childish peacockery — just like the newspaper long predicted would happen. As Ruto would say, reggae is about to stop, again. Until next week, Azishe!