VAR had a drink this week with a friend of a workmate of a cousin (it’s complicated) of opposition giant Egypt Dzinemunhenzwa, who recently gave the Zimbabwe Electoral Commission (ZEC) an elastic ultimatum to withdraw its announced and “exorbitant” electoral nomination fees or face litigation.
The genuinely excellent news for the millions of supporters of the special local Pharoah is that, the above notwithstanding, he is definitely in the ring again in 2023, and he promises to decimate the Red Devils and their captain this time around!
The friend of a workmate of a cousin of Mnumzane Dzinemunhenzwa told VAR that he “Won’t Back Down” — just like mercurial serenader Tom Petty said in his mega song in April 1989.
Time Flies Like An Arrow
It is true that time flies when one is having a good time. VAR cannot believe that we are already in the last month of the Year of Our Lord 2022.
And because the Video Assistant Referee is busy on duty in Qatar — where there have been shocks aplenty on the little desert country’s magical football pitches — and because VAR will take a long-deserved break as soon as the soccer jamboree ends in just more than a fortnight, this is the last installment of this intrepid column for 2022.
This should please many flaming Mazizi cyber thugs and social media influencers, as it will give these thin-skinned airheads who love to dish it out but not to receive their vitriol in kind a few weeks of peace — and not having their tangible stupidity exposed by VAR every Friday!
But dedicated followers of VAR need not panic (yes, this includes the tens of thousands of much loved and valued Cult zealots who have contributed immensely to making this column great, even as it raises their blood pressure week in and week out), the Video Assistant Referee will be back on the pages of the inimitable Daily News early in the new year.
Unless, of course, if someone irritates VAR sufficiently during this time out to motivate him sufficiently to pen some holiday specials!
Ngiyabonga Kakhulu
With this smidgen insult for this week out of the way, the next thing which VAR wishes to do is to thank all the readers of the Daily News for their dedicated following (that includes you Mazizi). Without you the Video Assistant Referee would be nothing.
VAR must also show appreciation to the jolly good Editor of the Daily News for allowing this lowly satirist who resides in the City of Kings to introduce this column earlier this year.
Merging socio-political commentary with humour, the no-holds barred column has appeared in this iconic paper every week and online on Fridays since April.
As explained then, and this is for those readers who are still not au fait with the world’s most popular sport, football, VAR stands for video assistant referee — which has seen the use of video technology in the game, including at the ongoing 2022 FIFA World Cup, often becoming a major talking point in matches.
Indeed, your Zimbodia VAR was occasionally no less open to discussion, even as his hilarious musings were not just for laughs. In some instances, he was very direct in his scrutiny of things and compatriots (ask Copperhead), while in others he left readers to make their own conclusions.
Siyadlala Nje
In this regard, let someone please warn the Cult that their useless rotting mango strategies and childish politics will continue to feature prominently in VAR’s evidence-based scrutiny in 2023. All in good fun, of course.
That said, the main goal in all that the Video Assistant Referee does will continue to be to raise people’s awareness about the state of affairs of many things in our teapot country, while challenging their viewpoints by combining facts with humour and irony — hopefully so that we can all help to improve the lot of our dear fatherland.
So, Mazizi please take heart. No malice is ever intended when VAR conducts a Stephen Sackur-like HARDtalk number on you!
As legendary South African sports broadcaster Robert Marawa would say, all that remains for VAR to say is, ‘ngiyayivala manje, ngithi Gqim Shelele’.
Please have a peaceful and Merry Christmas, as well as a Happy New Year.
Until next year,
Azishe!
