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Satirical journalism isn’t only for laughs

We shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously all the time.

KENYA’s much followed and analysed elections have come and gone, with William Samoei Ruto, 55, declared the winner of the presidential poll.

 In the meantime, his main rival, Raila Odinga, has since disputed this poll, amid plans to approach the country’s Supreme Court to determine the legality of the vote.

In Zim, as had been the case with previous other elections in the region, including in Malawi and Zambia, some local parties and their excitable leaders had rather injudiciously taken positions for and against the contestants in Kenya ahead of the polls — impulsive decisions that may well come to haunt them one day.

Why Always Zim?

 A number of things about the elections in Kenya caught the attention of VAR’s eagle eyes, particularly in so far as they provided a sharp contrast to the Zim situation. To begin with, a whole six days after voting ended in Kenya, there was no hullabaloo about the delayed results from either the contenders or the usually meddlesome West. Contrast this with Zim in 2018.

Secondly, even after the results of the elections had been announced, and disputed, the Masters of the Universe from the Global North had little to say beyond urging participants to avoid any action that might raise political tension in the country.

Which all begs the question, when are elections elsewhere “sufficiently compromised” for the West to condemn them as they do in Zim? Indeed, what is it about Zimbabwe’s elections and its predictable feuds that make them more noteworthy than say America’s hotly-disputed ones in 2020 or Zambia’s recent polls as well, where there was no shortage of claims of electoral malpractices? Just wait and watch the contrived circus in 2023!

Kenyatta Coins It

The late former president Robert Mugabe did it. And now President Uhuru Kenyatta is doing it. Kenyatta, who is set to leave office soon, will receive a hefty retirement package which includes a large golden handshake, a fleet of luxury cars, a fully-furnished private office and dozens of State-paid workers.

Among his support staff will be two personal assistants, four secretaries, four messengers, four drivers and bodyguards — pushing his personal office and home workers to 34 under the scheme funded by taxpayers! In terms of the vehicles due to him, Kenyatta will be entitled to two limousines and two Sports Utility Vehicles that are replaced every four years. He will also enjoy a monthly house allowance of Sh300 000 (about US$2 500), a fuel allowance of Sh200 000 (about US$1 700, entertainment perks of Sh200 000 (another US$1 700), and Sh300 000 (a further US$2 500) for utilities like water and electricity.

In addition, Kenyatta will also be entitled to a lump-sum payment equivalent to one year’s salary for every term of the two that he served. Then there will be a monthly pension of 80 percent of the salary he got in his last month in office (the official salary of a sitting president is set at Sh1,44 million — or about US$12 000). He will also have full medical cover for himself and his wife that allows him to seek treatment locally and abroad.

Hustler Ruto

In defeating Odinga, Ruto made history by becoming Kenya’s first sitting deputy president to succeed the incumbent following competitive elections, and the first candidate to win the presidency at first attempt.

Impressively, Ruto won the polls despite the determined pushback by the incumbent leader, Kenyatta, who chose to back Baba Odinga. Kenyatta and Ruto are former allies. Ruto campaigned for Kenyatta during his first presidential attempt in 2002, which he lost.

Both men were later indicted by the International Criminal Court on suspicions of masterminding the mass atrocities that followed the disputed 2007 elections. The two then teamed up unsuccessfully to contest in 2013, before prevailing in 2017.

After their falling out, Ruto characterised Kenyatta and Odinga as the embodiments of dynastic politics and entitlement (being the sons of Jomo Kenyatta and Oginga Odinga, Kenya’s first president and first vice president respectively).

In the end, Ruto “prevailed against the State, powerful elites, a biased media, the intelligentsia, civil society and jaundiced polling firms — making his victory historic and phenomenal”, as aptly captured by Westen Shilaho, a research fellow at the University of Johannesburg.

Until next week, Azishe!

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